Is it awful for me to be considering being a manager again? for the money...

ummm...its not awful but you hated it. So maybe worth it. I don't know.

I don't know either... 

would It make you happy? Is it worth it?

I don't know :-/

It would help you get here and save up to do what you want. But then you might not have the time or energy to do those things. And who knows how long it could take to transfer as a manager to Denver

I'm really just concerned with not being worth negative money

Yeah it seems to kind of go against what we've been talking/blogging about. Not go against...that's not the right wording

I know. that's why I'm wondering if it's awful

I think it's not worth it. I should just wait tables for awhile.

That, my friends, was a real conversation I had with Dani a couple of weeks ago. I'm the one in bold, she's italicized. This probably goes without saying but, THE. STRUGGLE. IS. REAL! 

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to live a more creative life. I've never been drawn to the corporate life, selling clothes doesn't excite me, serving food doesn't give me joy, managing people doesn't fill me with purpose. None of those things are what I want for my life. What I've always wanted is the freedom to express myself in a way that feels completely true to me and honest to all of you. I've always wanted to give something beautiful to the world instead of just trading my time for dollars (clock in, clock out, get paid, done). 

I talked about it in the very first post of this new adventure (aka "blog"). 

I’ve spent half of my life wishing for more and aching to let out my creativity and let it mix with my love of business. There are really not enough words to describe everything I’ve felt in all of those years but the words don’t even matter now. They don’t matter because they don’t mean anything anymore. I am here. I have arrived. I’m doing this.
— me (THIS IS NOT THAT post #1)

"I am here. I have arrived. I'm doing this." I wish that right now in this moment I could feel that same confidence. Right now I just feel like, "Where am I? How did I get here? What am I even doing??" I have been beyond stressed out for months now. Most days I'm too frustrated or exhausted to take a step forward. Sometimes I even take a step back. I'm just here, waiting for life to fall into place and to move me forward.

waiting for life to fall into place and to move me forward...

*pause* Are you thinking what I'm thinking? What am I even saying??? *unpause*

Ok. Nevermind that. I'm back to reality. But can we have an honest talk about what just happened? That's really how I've been feeling. I just want life to keep moving forward and me to not get left behind. My job makes me feel like I'm being left behind. Well, not my job, the amount of money that I make. Isn't that terrible? I don't know, maybe it's just normal.

I blog about being creative and not letting money define success or dictate the worth of what I put out into the world and sometimes I don't even believe what I'm saying. I mean, yes, I believe it in the moment and I do believe it in the big picture but right in this little picture that I see, well, I just don't believe it. 

Money defined success in my mind. Now I’m defining success as doing what I want to do.

^ I wrote that a little while ago in a post telling you all about how I'm living a creative life. It's a nice statement. A nice thought. A nice feeling. The only problem with it is making it stick. Making it last. Making it resonate within me. I want to believe it. I want to believe it every second of everyday but the reality is that I don't and I can't. I might never be able to. But you know what? That's ok.

It's ok because I have people in my life that I can come to when I feel like taking a job I hated so that I can make more money and they can tell me to get it together. I'm so thankful for Dani and the way that she is always honest with me even when it's something I might not want to hear. You guys, it's so important to have people like that in your life. I'm thankful for my boyfriend who believes in me and believes that what I'm doing is worth something. I'm thankful for my siblings who will always listen to my crazy ideas and help me brainstorm ways to make them better. I'm so so so thankful that I have parents who have always encouraged me to be creative. Do you know who else I'm thankful for?


That's right, you. And you. And you. And you. All of you. 

 I'm so thankful that you guys allow me to have this space on the internet where I get say things and you hear me. I'm glad that blogging exists and is something that people take seriously now. I'm glad that so many people have access to the internet and I'm glad that there are so many people out there blogging and being creative and sharing their gifts with the rest of us. You are all an inspiration to me. You are all what is helping me to stay the course and do what I want to do instead of just doing what will make me a few extra dollars.

I think that a big reason why I've felt so stressed is because I stopped blogging for a little while. If you follow us on Facebook you might remember back in March Dani and I let you all know that we were going to take a break from blogging for awhile. It was something that we both needed but I know that at least for me, the break was too long. I have missed being here. I have missed so much being able to share with you guys what I'm passionate about and also what I'm struggling with. I don't think I realized how much it was affecting me. Even after just writing this one post, I feel less stressed. I'm starting to feel less like I want life to just move me- now I'm feeling like I want to be moving life. 

I love it here. More than you could ever know. Thank you so much for letting us be a part of your lives. Thank you, thank you, thank you for reminding me that yes, a creative life is definitely worth it.

Money isn't everything. I really might get a second job just to relieve a little bit of the stress, but that's ok. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. Bring on all the hours at work- as long as I still have this little place on the internet and my family and friends, I'll be ok. It'll all be ok.

In closing I want to leave you with another quote from another one of my previous blog posts. It's what I need to hear right now. I need to be reminded that yes, a creative life is most definitely worth it.

Can we stop saying, “money sucks,” and start saying, “hey, this is hard, but I’m ok” ?? I need this. I need those words. I need that thought process. Do you? It’s a new year you guys, 2016 is waiting for us to make magic in our lives and the lives of the people around us. What will we do? Lets be so thankful for jobs that pay the bills and even just 1 extra hour in the day to do something just because we want to and not because we are thinking about how to make more money. I know we all want to eventually make money doing what we love but in the meantime, how can we chose to minimize our financial burdens and maximize our creativity?